Every time I masturbate, I don't feel like it's working. Is something wrong with me?

why cant i feel anything when i masturbate

Just because you’re not having a mind-blowing, back-arching orgasm when you touch yourself doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
According to Rachel Wright, a therapist and co-founder of Wright Wellness Center in New York City, the best way to learn how to masturbate is to do it without any end goal in mind.
Try exploring your own body through touch. Even though you may be hyper-focused on touching your genitals, Wright said you should also touch other parts of your body like your arms, breasts, and stomach.
Also consider if you have any pent-up feelings of shame about self-pleasure, and work to teach yourself the act isn’t shameful at all.
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I’m an 18-year-old woman and I don’t know how to masturbate. Every time I try to pleasure myself by touching my vulva, it feels like it’s not working so I think I’m doing something wrong. Is this normal? How do I masturbate?

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– New York

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Dear New York,

Just because you’re not having a mind-blowing, back-arching orgasm when you touch yourself doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, masturbation isn’t about climaxing, it’s about exploring and appreciating your own body.

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are great sensations that come with lots of mental and physical benefits, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up over not orgasming, or write off your self-pleasure adventures as unsuccessful because you didn’t have one.

According to Rachel Wright, a therapist and co-founder of Wright Wellness Center in New York City, the best way to learn how to masturbate is to do it without any end goal in mind.

“Our culture does a horrible job at promoting this, but let go of any outcome” like an orgasm, Wright told me.

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Instead, she suggests telling yourself, “I want to discover my body and I don’t have a desired outcome. I’m letting go of that.”

Then, try exploring your own body through touch. Even though you may be hyper-focused on touching your genitals, Wright said you should also touch other parts of your body like your arms, breasts, and stomach, and pay attention to how those sensations feel to you. You can also experiment with different kinds of touch, from brushing with your fingertips to light scratching with your fingernails.

Masturbation and sexual turn-ons are different for everyone, so taking an approach where you start slow and try various techniques will help you learn your personal self-pleasure preferences. Then, as you begin to feel more comfortable, you can experiment with inserting your fingers in your vagina, giving yourself clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time, and incorporating sex toys like a vibrator. Take it slow, and enjoy the ride.

You may want to get comfortable using your own hands and fingertips for touch before experimenting with toys. Shutterstock

Your mind may be holding you back, too

If you’re still nervous about all of this experimentation, consider that your hesitation has to do with more than just your body.

From the time we’re young, we’re often taught that masturbation is shameful and gross, and those sentiments can carry into our adult lives, affecting how we experience sexual pleasure from ourselves or our partners.

Wright said she encourages her clients to think back to their childhoods and reflect on any experiences that may have shaped how they view self-pleasure so they can actively notice these beliefs and change them if they’re interfering with their sex lives.

According to Wright, getting your mind in the best place possible will make your masturbation experience that much more enjoyable. Besides giving yourself a shame-free pep talk, choosing to masturbate when you’re home alone or setting the mood with some relaxing music, dim lighting, or candles, could help.

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Lastly, there are plenty of books you can check out if you want to read up on self-pleasure. Wright recommended “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life” and “Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation.”

As you try out these tips, remember there’s no “right” age to master masturbation, and even people who’ve orgasmed many times are still exploring their bodies and sexual preferences. Enjoy the experience as a celebration of yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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