7 Unexpected new lubes to masturbate with tonight

When you blaze through the last of the Astroglide, you’ve gotta get crafty if you want to get off.

For millennia, human beings have been trying to make their genitals more slippery so they can do the sex. And, lacking the space-age technology that’s led to today’s Astroglides and Trojan Fire N’ Ice His N’ Hers Combo Sensation Packs, early people had to use what was around them for personal private part lubrication. This meant that most often, lube was derived from food, plants, or some delicious combination of the two.

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So, here are a few of those ancient lube methods you can steal from your horny great great great great great great great grandparents … you know for those times when you squeeze the KY Jelly tube and all that comes out is sad dust.

1. Olive oil

If you love smelling like a fresh gyro sandwich during sex, and who doesn’t, then make like the ancient Greeks and toss your salad with olive oil. The earliest written evidence of it being used for increased genital glide dates back to 350 BC (around the same time the leather dildo became popular), meaning it’s such great lube that people have been using it for almost as long as your mom’s been alive.

Not only is olive oil safe, antiseptic and great for the skin, but it’s also been shown to ameliorate depression, indigestion, lower back pain and even jaundice. So, feel free to rub it on any and all diseased body parts you may have while you enjoy its superior silkiness in your nether zone.

It also lasts a lot longer than water or silicone-based lube, meaning you can have sex with salad dressing for as long as you can last (48 seconds).

Pro: Smell like a delicious Greek salad.

Cons: Destroys condoms, and you can’t be extra-virgin anymore.

2. Mashed yams

During Japan’s Edo period (1603-1868) people used grated yams (NOT sweet potatoes … yams. Yams. YAMS!) to make a slick substance called tororo-jiru. They’d then stick this inside their animal intestine condoms to masturbate or have sex, because what goes better with protein than a root vegetable side dish? You don’t have to go quite that far unless pagan animal slaughter is foreplay for you; just grate some yams, squish your hand around in them, and go to town.

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Pro: Yams are a festive seasonal dish.

Con: Grating yams so you can have buttsex is a weird segue into buttsex.

3. Virgin coconut oil

Coconut oil is especially great for the vaginas in our midst because it has anti-fungal properties that can help avoid and treat yeast infections. However, make sure it’s virgin and unrefined if you want the most natural sexual organ possible. It can take a second or two to heat up and melt, but once it does, it has a warmer, silkier texture than most lubes.

Pros: Comforting to think that, if deserted on a Pacific island following a plane crash, we could masturbate with abandon thanks to preponderance of cocos, assuming we could open them.

Cons: Solidifies at room temperature and you kinda have to rub it in your hands for a bit to get it going. Worth it though.

4. Egg whites

You know when you go grocery shopping, and you buy eggs with the unrealistically idealistic notion that you’re going to poach them or make them into an omelet like some sort of MasterChef Kid™, and then they just sit there for days because you’re barely an adult and have no idea what you’re doing? Well, you’re in luck because you can take those eggs, separate the whites out, then goop them all over your fertile body to increase sexual slip. They can be a mess to apply, so either find a dropper or some sort of turkey baster thing to apply them … or just embrace the mystery and slather it on. Best served at room temperature.

Fun fact: the ancients used to use egg whites to increase fertility because sperm can survive in them and they mimic the texture and composition of vaginal mucus.

Pros: Helps sperm get to the egg.

Cons: Helps sperm get to the egg.

5. Seaweed

Seaweed! It’s not just for sushi … it’s also for dick sushi. Way back when, the people of China, Korea and Japan used to boil red seaweed to produce a thick, slimy liquid called carrageenan, which they’d then use for lube. The seaweed byproduct was a favorite of these people for it’s ability to “moisturize and protect,” which sounds a little like the police slogan of a fictional glitter-based utopia.

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More recently, researchers have found that carrageenan-based gels may even work to prevent the transmission of HPV (human papillomavirus) types that can cause cervical cancer and genital warts. The researchers write that, “Interestingly, carrageenan is used as a thickener in some commercially available sexual lubricants and lubricated condoms.”

Pros: May help prevent HPV.

Cons: Seaweed is hard to come by unless you’re a seal.

6. Aloe vera

Sometimes when people are running around their houses with hard-ons looking desperately for anything slimy to douse their dicks in, they overlook the common house plant as a source of personal lube. A great tragedy that has let to countless chaffed weenies, no doubt. However, suburban flora such as aloe vera actually makes amazing sex goo; all you have to do is slice an arm of it open lengthwise, scrape out all the gel inside then apply liberally for maxxx pleasure.

But the fun train doesn’t stop there; thanks to its antibacterial properties, aloe can heal other skin-related wounds and even ease the symptoms of burns, psoriasis, and other skin conditions as well.

Pros: Good for the ol’ vagina and safe for use with condoms.

Cons: You have to consciously keep the plant alive which is hard when everything you touch dies.

7. Mom’s hand lotion

It says something like “Relaxing Lavender” or “Sensual Tahitian Orchid Butter” on it and it’s pastel purple. Do you need more convincing?

Pros: It’s always there in the guest bathroom by the potpourri and seashell collection when you need it.

Cons: It’s been there for 22 years which is evidenced by the severe burning and urethral discharge you experience between 2-4 days later.

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